No crib

Lilly wants to know when we will set up Hope's crib.  It's a very simple question from a loving big sister, and it tears my heart into a million pieces.  Her's is the simple belief that this baby growing inside mommy will be coming home to live with us.  I try to tell her, and her bigger sister to, that Hope will not be strong enough to come home, that her birth defect will mean that she will only live a very short while, all of it in a hospital.  That even though we can feel her kicking and squirming and rolling around inside, once she is born, she will go home to heaven and wait for us to get there.
It's harder this time, explaining to them the death of this baby.  The one we lost last year they never saw on the ultrasound screen, never felt move.  One day mommy and daddy said a new baby was coming, and shortly after, the baby had died and gone to Jesus.  They accepted it, with sadness but knowing that the baby was fine and Jesus was baby sitting until we could get there.
They have seen Hope, felt her move, they read her stories and have a list of things they want to do with her.  Her death is something incomprehensible to them, but that's only fair as it is to me too.
Mary knows that Heavenly Father answers prayers, knows with all the faith of an innocent 6 year old heart.  She prays daily for Hope's brain to be healed so she can come home.  While I know that God is a God of miracles, where do i place my faith?  There is no earthly cure or treatment for Anencephaly.  It is always fatal.  Only a divine miracle can save my baby, but if it's not in his plans, then there is no amount of prayers that can change that.  Only prayers for strength to carry on, and try to breath.
There will be no crib set up at our house, but just maybe, we can get the bassinet out.....

Balloons and Hope

It all seems so surreal, this making memories with my unborn daughter.  Today we went on an adventure to Nordic Valley to a balloon festival.  What a beautiful setting, and it was so nice to hear Mary and Lilly giggling uncontrollably.  it's been so long.  And I was out, in the sunshine, surrounded by people, and didn't break.  I meet a woman who told me Hope stands for H-hope O-overcomes P-pain  E-ends.  So many ways to put the emphasis, but still give a small ray of peace to my broken soul.
Ellie will be moved Monday.  As she is no longer in my care, but is a ward of the foster system, I won't be able to go with her, or see her off.  I don't know when i'll get to see her again.  It's up to her guardian ad lid-em, and case worker.  I have been branded a horrible mother and had a judge take away my baby.  all because i can't get her the help she needs.  If she had cancer, or and addiction, or anything else, i could.  But  my baby is Mentally Ill.  and no insurance will cover treatment.  after all, it's all in her head right?  it's ripping me apart, all the murk that is clouding the waters.  She is telling stories of sexual abuse, pointing fingers at the one person who would never hurt her, and ripping our family to shreds in the mean time.  I know that something must have happened to my little one, i just don't know who did it.  all i have done her whole life is try to help her be safe in her own mind.  maybe now, away from me, she can.
One daughter lost to a mental illness, one i'm loosing to a brain defect.  How can such things happen in a world where balloons still go up, and bring such joy?  How does the world keep going, when i can't even breath?

Hope will die...

Make memories they say, memories of Hope.  Memories with the big kids and the baby, so when the baby dies, you have them.  When the baby dies.  How do you come to terms with a sentence like that?  Your baby will die.  Period.  No other way, no other choice, no Hope.  Ironic what we choose to name her, when in the end we will loose her.  Hope will die.  If i say it enough, will i believe it? probably not.  Can i change it? no.  
Mary has the faith of that proverbial mustard seed.  Jesus and Heavenly Father answer prayer, and the will answer hers.  She prays daily that Hope's brain will heal and she won't have to die.  How do i teach her about the NO answers to prayers?  How do i not have that faith?  How can i know with out a doubt that the Lord is there, and listens, and know that there are some prayers that can't be answered?  I know that He can do miracles, but i don't know that he will do one for me. 
That means that at Christmas time, instead of cuddling my new daughter, i will be picking out an urn for her remains to rest in.  Hope will die.  How can that be real?  How can I go on, mother my little ones, pray for my big ones, and be a wife for my poor dear husband?  He is in pain, and i have nothing to offer him.  No strength, no insights, no words of comfort.  Only the one sentence of pain, Hope will die.
I haven't missed the irony of the loss of Ellie to the state either, due to a brain defect, due to mental illness.  I haven't come to terms with that either.  Another day for that maybe.  For today, we took Hope to the movies with Mary's Girls Scout troop, to see Rio 2.  Horrid movie, so boring, and the baby just doesn't like the smell of popcorn.  
We will make memories, it's all we can do, and in the process, wounds and scars that will never heal.

Time flies when your having fun right?  Raising teenagers and toddlers is fun, it's fun I tell ya, fun!  It's amazing when you start something, like trying to blog, then leave it for a while, okay years, only to have someone ask you about it to bring back your interest.  Hum... I may try to update this blog to remind myself how cool we are, or just to remind myself that we are still here.

We shall see.................

29 weeks down, 11 to go!

Time for the countdown to begin!  Only 11 weeks until Miss Lilly is due to enter this world!  This pregnancy has been the hardest so far, but I have learned soo very much, not only about me personally, but about my choices in the process.

I have learned, pretty much form the moment of conception of this little miracle, that things will seldom go as planned.  I have had to develop patience as one problem has led to another from the start.  I have been but on orders to "take it easy" from 8 weeks on due to bleeding, cramping and lately, preterm labor.  I love that term...take it easy...very easy for a male Dr to tell you, when it's not him that has 3 other kids, one of which is only 2 to take care of, not to mention the husband that hangs around the house now and then! 

I have had to sit out the preparations for all the major holidays since Thanksgiving, and learn that even if it's not my hand that makes it, it's still okay, and people will like it anyway.  I have even let my big girls start cooking and helping me make dinners and some of the big meals for the whole family, something that i never would have let happen before.

I have learned that the laundry can be done by someone other than me, and turn out clean, and that if it doesn't get done, the world will NOT end!

Those are things I've learned about me.  And as i can't really get out of this little apartment and meet people here in the new town, I have turned to learning all I can about the process of birth, and boy, let me tell you, i have learned alot!  Much to the dismay of some members of my family, who are afraid that someday soon they will find me out in the middle of nowhere, bare naked children running, armpit hair streaming, reusing our own garbage and eating bugs!  Rest assured people, I have no intention of letting my armpit hair grow long enough for braids!

But i do intend to have as close to a natural home birth as i can get.  I will have to be at a hospital, insurance company won't pay for a midwife with my history or I WOULD have this baby at home.  And besides, living in an apartment, I'm not sure what the poor neighbors would think of all the noise, I'm not exactly quiet in labor.   I will not be having any epidural, pain meds, or any of the sort.  Miss Lilly will not be getting some of the typical interventions given to newborns just because they do it to all babies. 

I plan on cloth diapering, not because I am big on saving the planet, but because with prices the way they are going, it will be cheaper in the long run, and they are less irritating to babies bottom too!  I breastfeed out of connivance for me.  I know that it's for the best, but hey, let's face it, who wants to wash, dry, mix and store all those bottles?  I happen to be equipped with 2 precleaned, premixed and ready to go "bottles" that go everywhere i do!  SCORE!

I am at peace with the choices  I have made for the baby and me, and for my family.  I only wish others would stop trying to "show me the craziness of my thinking".  We will be fine, safe, and happy. Just like i wish for every other mother out there.  Find what works for you, find your peace, and be happy!

sick, sick, sick

That's me.  Sick, Sick, Sick.  I haven't felt well for a few days, and after having some horrid cramping and spotting, not to mention the vomiting, I gave the new Dr's office a call to see what the would recommend doing to feel better.  I was told that my Dr would meet me at the hospital.  Great, so not only do i feel like I've been run over, now i gotta call Eric and have him come home from work to take me in.  Oh yeah, and the 2 year old?  She had to come too.  So off to a hospital i have never been in we go. Much to my surprise, my Dr was there waiting for me.  He took one look at me, trying not to heave all over the hall, and ordered IVs and meds to help come down my stomach.  I was really impressed.  He had other women to see, babies to deliver (2 born while i was there), but he was in to see me no less than 4 times in the 5 hours i was there hooked up to the IVs.  The nurses were wonderful, and while i don't feel 100% better yet, i do feel better about using that hospital to have Lilly in.  He wanted to admit me over night to make sure i got feeling better, but who wants to sleep in a hospital?  I must say, Lilly is fine, i am sick, but i am not afraid of this hospital anymore!  So i guess it all worked out in a weird way.

New OB found, maybe, I think.....

I had my first OB appointment with  a Dr. here in Brigham.  I have to admit, I have been having panic attacks thinking about this since it was scheduled over a month ago.  But, as I am now 24 weeks pregnant, and 4 hours is a little long to drive in labor, i figured i had better put on my big girl panties and find one close.  It wasn't so bad, he answered all my questions, gave me the name and number of a birthing Dula, and didn't rush me out of the office.
I have been stressed, because finding a size friendly Dr can be like finding a needle in a haystack.  I still don't know how everything will be, I may just end up freaking out and having a home birth (though Eric will drag me to the hospital if it comes to that!).
The baby is growing fine, my BP is okay and no signs of sugar or protein in my urine, no weight gain to date, and that's for the whole pregnancy, but that's okay.  I am eating again, trying to remind myself that it's not just me i have to worry about, i AM growing a child here too!  Baby Lilly is set to make her appearance in to this world in July!