Bring on the fears!

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited to be having another baby.  I have been wanting to add to our family since tornado was 6 months old.  I didn't want her growing up with no one to play with and all her sisters being older than her by 8 years or more.  But after 2 years of Eric working a job that barely paid $9 an hour, and would lay him off from November to March, I didn't really think that now would be the time.  It's been hard enough raising 3 kids on what he's been able to make, and now he has a new job, one that pays more, but not by much, we are going to add to family.  I could work, but we decided that we would try and follow what the prophets have taught, that a mother's job is the raising of her kids.  It's not easy, and belts have to be tight, but so far, with prayer, good friends and luck, we've made it.
Now enter my fears.  I am terrified to have this baby.  The pain of labor is not what worries me, I've done it 3 times now, twice with no drugs.   Trying to make the ends last to the end of the month is top of my list.  That, and having a big enough car to carry my family in. Not to mention, enough mommy to go around.  I know that the older girls feel pushed to the back because of tornado, but lets face it, a 2 year old is more demanding of time than a 12 year old, but the 12 year old needs it just as bad.
Oh yeah, add to the fear list, my MAJOR phobia of switching Dr's.  I was bad in St. George with tornado, not so much afraid of the Dr. (I LOVED Dr. Lunt by the way), I was terrified of the hospital.  The big girls were both born in the hospital where i grew up, nice little small place, 2 labor and delivery rooms, nothing big.  The fact that the hospital in St. George had an entire building for L&D, yeah, scared me.  In fact, Eric would use that fear to make sure i ate everyday (I am an anorexic hiding as a fat woman, that's the joke between us).  It worked, i never wanted to have to go there.  I was hoping that i would go into labor with her when we went home to visit family.  That didn't work. It wasn't too bad, and they only made me stay 12 hours.  But i don't even know this new Dr. i am going to see next Monday.  I only have the opinions of women i don't really know to go off.  And I've never set foot in this hospital.  It looks pretty small, big points in it's favor, but my strange fear is still growing.  I don't want to go there.  I would rather have this baby at home.  I really would.  It is totally irrational, I understand that, but understanding doesn't make it go away.  And the father along I get, the worse the fear is.
 I am planning camping trips the week she's due just to see if i can have her some where that isn't the hospital.  I know that the risks are high, what if something goes wrong?  But those thoughts aren't as loud as the ones trying to keep me out of a hospital. 
I've pretty much decided that I'm just crazy.  I can only hope and pray that everything will work out, 'cause right now, my mind is spinning outta control.

Something new

I was surfing around the Internet today, and came across a website called The Shape of a Mother. After spending the better part of 2 hours reading what these women have written, and crying my eyes out (i blamed the hormones), I decided to try and document the last few months of this pregnancy also.
So many women are plus sized these days, but we are still ashamed of who we are and how we look. I look at my beautiful girls, ages 12, 11, and 2 and wonder what image of themselves they will learn to see. Already my 12 year old has body image issues, and I know that most of them stem from me. I am a big woman. There is no hiding it, no denying it, no blaming it on "big bones". And yet, with this plus sized body, I have carried 3 babies to term, given birth to healthy, beautiful girls, and in a few months, will give birth again.
My body, whether i love it or not, has served me well. And yet I am under the impression, mistaken or not, that I am less of a woman because of my size. I am constantly pressured to lose weight, dye my hair, wear more makeup or whatever to fit in the mold that will never fit me. And having a baby? Yeah makes it even worse. I love the fact that my body can do something that brings me so much joy. Something that a man's body will never be asked to do. I can bring forth LIFE! I can nourish that life with this same body once it's here. And in return for that ability, my body has stretch marks, saggy fat, and more imperfections than i care to count.
But the world still looks down. Medical professional use terms like "grossly obese" to describe me. Grossly? really? No wonder I would rather give birth at home, surrounded by people that love me, not judge me.
With this baby I am carrying, I have lost over 20 lbs. and in a sick twisted way, I am terrified to gain any weight. I know that gaining weight is part of being pregnant, but, when you start fat, you worry that you'll end even fatter. I walk everyday, my blood pressure is fine, no other health problems, and yet, I feel judged when I stand on a scale. My doctor back home was wonderful, and so was his staff, but having just moved, i have to find a new Doctor, and that worries me.
So in my rambling way, I am going to try to post my feelings, thoughts, and adventures in finding a new Doctor in this blog. I am so excited to meet this new little person I am carrying around with me, and i am trying to embrace the changes that it will bring into my life.