Something new

I was surfing around the Internet today, and came across a website called The Shape of a Mother. After spending the better part of 2 hours reading what these women have written, and crying my eyes out (i blamed the hormones), I decided to try and document the last few months of this pregnancy also.
So many women are plus sized these days, but we are still ashamed of who we are and how we look. I look at my beautiful girls, ages 12, 11, and 2 and wonder what image of themselves they will learn to see. Already my 12 year old has body image issues, and I know that most of them stem from me. I am a big woman. There is no hiding it, no denying it, no blaming it on "big bones". And yet, with this plus sized body, I have carried 3 babies to term, given birth to healthy, beautiful girls, and in a few months, will give birth again.
My body, whether i love it or not, has served me well. And yet I am under the impression, mistaken or not, that I am less of a woman because of my size. I am constantly pressured to lose weight, dye my hair, wear more makeup or whatever to fit in the mold that will never fit me. And having a baby? Yeah makes it even worse. I love the fact that my body can do something that brings me so much joy. Something that a man's body will never be asked to do. I can bring forth LIFE! I can nourish that life with this same body once it's here. And in return for that ability, my body has stretch marks, saggy fat, and more imperfections than i care to count.
But the world still looks down. Medical professional use terms like "grossly obese" to describe me. Grossly? really? No wonder I would rather give birth at home, surrounded by people that love me, not judge me.
With this baby I am carrying, I have lost over 20 lbs. and in a sick twisted way, I am terrified to gain any weight. I know that gaining weight is part of being pregnant, but, when you start fat, you worry that you'll end even fatter. I walk everyday, my blood pressure is fine, no other health problems, and yet, I feel judged when I stand on a scale. My doctor back home was wonderful, and so was his staff, but having just moved, i have to find a new Doctor, and that worries me.
So in my rambling way, I am going to try to post my feelings, thoughts, and adventures in finding a new Doctor in this blog. I am so excited to meet this new little person I am carrying around with me, and i am trying to embrace the changes that it will bring into my life.