Don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited to be having another baby. I have been wanting to add to our family since tornado was 6 months old. I didn't want her growing up with no one to play with and all her sisters being older than her by 8 years or more. But after 2 years of Eric working a job that barely paid $9 an hour, and would lay him off from November to March, I didn't really think that now would be the time. It's been hard enough raising 3 kids on what he's been able to make, and now he has a new job, one that pays more, but not by much, we are going to add to family. I could work, but we decided that we would try and follow what the prophets have taught, that a mother's job is the raising of her kids. It's not easy, and belts have to be tight, but so far, with prayer, good friends and luck, we've made it.
Now enter my fears. I am terrified to have this baby. The pain of labor is not what worries me, I've done it 3 times now, twice with no drugs. Trying to make the ends last to the end of the month is top of my list. That, and having a big enough car to carry my family in. Not to mention, enough mommy to go around. I know that the older girls feel pushed to the back because of tornado, but lets face it, a 2 year old is more demanding of time than a 12 year old, but the 12 year old needs it just as bad.
Oh yeah, add to the fear list, my MAJOR phobia of switching Dr's. I was bad in St. George with tornado, not so much afraid of the Dr. (I LOVED Dr. Lunt by the way), I was terrified of the hospital. The big girls were both born in the hospital where i grew up, nice little small place, 2 labor and delivery rooms, nothing big. The fact that the hospital in St. George had an entire building for L&D, yeah, scared me. In fact, Eric would use that fear to make sure i ate everyday (I am an anorexic hiding as a fat woman, that's the joke between us). It worked, i never wanted to have to go there. I was hoping that i would go into labor with her when we went home to visit family. That didn't work. It wasn't too bad, and they only made me stay 12 hours. But i don't even know this new Dr. i am going to see next Monday. I only have the opinions of women i don't really know to go off. And I've never set foot in this hospital. It looks pretty small, big points in it's favor, but my strange fear is still growing. I don't want to go there. I would rather have this baby at home. I really would. It is totally irrational, I understand that, but understanding doesn't make it go away. And the father along I get, the worse the fear is.
I am planning camping trips the week she's due just to see if i can have her some where that isn't the hospital. I know that the risks are high, what if something goes wrong? But those thoughts aren't as loud as the ones trying to keep me out of a hospital.
I've pretty much decided that I'm just crazy. I can only hope and pray that everything will work out, 'cause right now, my mind is spinning outta control.
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