It all seems so surreal, this making memories with my unborn daughter. Today we went on an adventure to Nordic Valley to a balloon festival. What a beautiful setting, and it was so nice to hear Mary and Lilly giggling uncontrollably. it's been so long. And I was out, in the sunshine, surrounded by people, and didn't break. I meet a woman who told me Hope stands for H-hope O-overcomes P-pain E-ends. So many ways to put the emphasis, but still give a small ray of peace to my broken soul.
Ellie will be moved Monday. As she is no longer in my care, but is a ward of the foster system, I won't be able to go with her, or see her off. I don't know when i'll get to see her again. It's up to her guardian ad lid-em, and case worker. I have been branded a horrible mother and had a judge take away my baby. all because i can't get her the help she needs. If she had cancer, or and addiction, or anything else, i could. But my baby is Mentally Ill. and no insurance will cover treatment. after all, it's all in her head right? it's ripping me apart, all the murk that is clouding the waters. She is telling stories of sexual abuse, pointing fingers at the one person who would never hurt her, and ripping our family to shreds in the mean time. I know that something must have happened to my little one, i just don't know who did it. all i have done her whole life is try to help her be safe in her own mind. maybe now, away from me, she can.
One daughter lost to a mental illness, one i'm loosing to a brain defect. How can such things happen in a world where balloons still go up, and bring such joy? How does the world keep going, when i can't even breath?
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Hope will die...
Make memories they say, memories of Hope. Memories with the big kids and the baby, so when the baby dies, you have them. When the baby dies. How do you come to terms with a sentence like that? Your baby will die. Period. No other way, no other choice, no Hope. Ironic what we choose to name her, when in the end we will loose her. Hope will die. If i say it enough, will i believe it? probably not. Can i change it? no.
Mary has the faith of that proverbial mustard seed. Jesus and Heavenly Father answer prayer, and the will answer hers. She prays daily that Hope's brain will heal and she won't have to die. How do i teach her about the NO answers to prayers? How do i not have that faith? How can i know with out a doubt that the Lord is there, and listens, and know that there are some prayers that can't be answered? I know that He can do miracles, but i don't know that he will do one for me.
That means that at Christmas time, instead of cuddling my new daughter, i will be picking out an urn for her remains to rest in. Hope will die. How can that be real? How can I go on, mother my little ones, pray for my big ones, and be a wife for my poor dear husband? He is in pain, and i have nothing to offer him. No strength, no insights, no words of comfort. Only the one sentence of pain, Hope will die.
I haven't missed the irony of the loss of Ellie to the state either, due to a brain defect, due to mental illness. I haven't come to terms with that either. Another day for that maybe. For today, we took Hope to the movies with Mary's Girls Scout troop, to see Rio 2. Horrid movie, so boring, and the baby just doesn't like the smell of popcorn.
We will make memories, it's all we can do, and in the process, wounds and scars that will never heal.
Mary has the faith of that proverbial mustard seed. Jesus and Heavenly Father answer prayer, and the will answer hers. She prays daily that Hope's brain will heal and she won't have to die. How do i teach her about the NO answers to prayers? How do i not have that faith? How can i know with out a doubt that the Lord is there, and listens, and know that there are some prayers that can't be answered? I know that He can do miracles, but i don't know that he will do one for me.
That means that at Christmas time, instead of cuddling my new daughter, i will be picking out an urn for her remains to rest in. Hope will die. How can that be real? How can I go on, mother my little ones, pray for my big ones, and be a wife for my poor dear husband? He is in pain, and i have nothing to offer him. No strength, no insights, no words of comfort. Only the one sentence of pain, Hope will die.
I haven't missed the irony of the loss of Ellie to the state either, due to a brain defect, due to mental illness. I haven't come to terms with that either. Another day for that maybe. For today, we took Hope to the movies with Mary's Girls Scout troop, to see Rio 2. Horrid movie, so boring, and the baby just doesn't like the smell of popcorn.
We will make memories, it's all we can do, and in the process, wounds and scars that will never heal.
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