Make memories they say, memories of Hope. Memories with the big kids and the baby, so when the baby dies, you have them. When the baby dies. How do you come to terms with a sentence like that? Your baby will die. Period. No other way, no other choice, no Hope. Ironic what we choose to name her, when in the end we will loose her. Hope will die. If i say it enough, will i believe it? probably not. Can i change it? no.
Mary has the faith of that proverbial mustard seed. Jesus and Heavenly Father answer prayer, and the will answer hers. She prays daily that Hope's brain will heal and she won't have to die. How do i teach her about the NO answers to prayers? How do i not have that faith? How can i know with out a doubt that the Lord is there, and listens, and know that there are some prayers that can't be answered? I know that He can do miracles, but i don't know that he will do one for me.
That means that at Christmas time, instead of cuddling my new daughter, i will be picking out an urn for her remains to rest in. Hope will die. How can that be real? How can I go on, mother my little ones, pray for my big ones, and be a wife for my poor dear husband? He is in pain, and i have nothing to offer him. No strength, no insights, no words of comfort. Only the one sentence of pain, Hope will die.
I haven't missed the irony of the loss of Ellie to the state either, due to a brain defect, due to mental illness. I haven't come to terms with that either. Another day for that maybe. For today, we took Hope to the movies with Mary's Girls Scout troop, to see Rio 2. Horrid movie, so boring, and the baby just doesn't like the smell of popcorn.
We will make memories, it's all we can do, and in the process, wounds and scars that will never heal.
No comments:
Post a Comment