It all seems so surreal, this making memories with my unborn daughter. Today we went on an adventure to Nordic Valley to a balloon festival. What a beautiful setting, and it was so nice to hear Mary and Lilly giggling uncontrollably. it's been so long. And I was out, in the sunshine, surrounded by people, and didn't break. I meet a woman who told me Hope stands for H-hope O-overcomes P-pain E-ends. So many ways to put the emphasis, but still give a small ray of peace to my broken soul.
Ellie will be moved Monday. As she is no longer in my care, but is a ward of the foster system, I won't be able to go with her, or see her off. I don't know when i'll get to see her again. It's up to her guardian ad lid-em, and case worker. I have been branded a horrible mother and had a judge take away my baby. all because i can't get her the help she needs. If she had cancer, or and addiction, or anything else, i could. But my baby is Mentally Ill. and no insurance will cover treatment. after all, it's all in her head right? it's ripping me apart, all the murk that is clouding the waters. She is telling stories of sexual abuse, pointing fingers at the one person who would never hurt her, and ripping our family to shreds in the mean time. I know that something must have happened to my little one, i just don't know who did it. all i have done her whole life is try to help her be safe in her own mind. maybe now, away from me, she can.
One daughter lost to a mental illness, one i'm loosing to a brain defect. How can such things happen in a world where balloons still go up, and bring such joy? How does the world keep going, when i can't even breath?
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