29 weeks down, 11 to go!

Time for the countdown to begin!  Only 11 weeks until Miss Lilly is due to enter this world!  This pregnancy has been the hardest so far, but I have learned soo very much, not only about me personally, but about my choices in the process.

I have learned, pretty much form the moment of conception of this little miracle, that things will seldom go as planned.  I have had to develop patience as one problem has led to another from the start.  I have been but on orders to "take it easy" from 8 weeks on due to bleeding, cramping and lately, preterm labor.  I love that term...take it easy...very easy for a male Dr to tell you, when it's not him that has 3 other kids, one of which is only 2 to take care of, not to mention the husband that hangs around the house now and then! 

I have had to sit out the preparations for all the major holidays since Thanksgiving, and learn that even if it's not my hand that makes it, it's still okay, and people will like it anyway.  I have even let my big girls start cooking and helping me make dinners and some of the big meals for the whole family, something that i never would have let happen before.

I have learned that the laundry can be done by someone other than me, and turn out clean, and that if it doesn't get done, the world will NOT end!

Those are things I've learned about me.  And as i can't really get out of this little apartment and meet people here in the new town, I have turned to learning all I can about the process of birth, and boy, let me tell you, i have learned alot!  Much to the dismay of some members of my family, who are afraid that someday soon they will find me out in the middle of nowhere, bare naked children running, armpit hair streaming, reusing our own garbage and eating bugs!  Rest assured people, I have no intention of letting my armpit hair grow long enough for braids!

But i do intend to have as close to a natural home birth as i can get.  I will have to be at a hospital, insurance company won't pay for a midwife with my history or I WOULD have this baby at home.  And besides, living in an apartment, I'm not sure what the poor neighbors would think of all the noise, I'm not exactly quiet in labor.   I will not be having any epidural, pain meds, or any of the sort.  Miss Lilly will not be getting some of the typical interventions given to newborns just because they do it to all babies. 

I plan on cloth diapering, not because I am big on saving the planet, but because with prices the way they are going, it will be cheaper in the long run, and they are less irritating to babies bottom too!  I breastfeed out of connivance for me.  I know that it's for the best, but hey, let's face it, who wants to wash, dry, mix and store all those bottles?  I happen to be equipped with 2 precleaned, premixed and ready to go "bottles" that go everywhere i do!  SCORE!

I am at peace with the choices  I have made for the baby and me, and for my family.  I only wish others would stop trying to "show me the craziness of my thinking".  We will be fine, safe, and happy. Just like i wish for every other mother out there.  Find what works for you, find your peace, and be happy!

sick, sick, sick

That's me.  Sick, Sick, Sick.  I haven't felt well for a few days, and after having some horrid cramping and spotting, not to mention the vomiting, I gave the new Dr's office a call to see what the would recommend doing to feel better.  I was told that my Dr would meet me at the hospital.  Great, so not only do i feel like I've been run over, now i gotta call Eric and have him come home from work to take me in.  Oh yeah, and the 2 year old?  She had to come too.  So off to a hospital i have never been in we go. Much to my surprise, my Dr was there waiting for me.  He took one look at me, trying not to heave all over the hall, and ordered IVs and meds to help come down my stomach.  I was really impressed.  He had other women to see, babies to deliver (2 born while i was there), but he was in to see me no less than 4 times in the 5 hours i was there hooked up to the IVs.  The nurses were wonderful, and while i don't feel 100% better yet, i do feel better about using that hospital to have Lilly in.  He wanted to admit me over night to make sure i got feeling better, but who wants to sleep in a hospital?  I must say, Lilly is fine, i am sick, but i am not afraid of this hospital anymore!  So i guess it all worked out in a weird way.

New OB found, maybe, I think.....

I had my first OB appointment with  a Dr. here in Brigham.  I have to admit, I have been having panic attacks thinking about this since it was scheduled over a month ago.  But, as I am now 24 weeks pregnant, and 4 hours is a little long to drive in labor, i figured i had better put on my big girl panties and find one close.  It wasn't so bad, he answered all my questions, gave me the name and number of a birthing Dula, and didn't rush me out of the office.
I have been stressed, because finding a size friendly Dr can be like finding a needle in a haystack.  I still don't know how everything will be, I may just end up freaking out and having a home birth (though Eric will drag me to the hospital if it comes to that!).
The baby is growing fine, my BP is okay and no signs of sugar or protein in my urine, no weight gain to date, and that's for the whole pregnancy, but that's okay.  I am eating again, trying to remind myself that it's not just me i have to worry about, i AM growing a child here too!  Baby Lilly is set to make her appearance in to this world in July! 

Bring on the fears!

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited to be having another baby.  I have been wanting to add to our family since tornado was 6 months old.  I didn't want her growing up with no one to play with and all her sisters being older than her by 8 years or more.  But after 2 years of Eric working a job that barely paid $9 an hour, and would lay him off from November to March, I didn't really think that now would be the time.  It's been hard enough raising 3 kids on what he's been able to make, and now he has a new job, one that pays more, but not by much, we are going to add to family.  I could work, but we decided that we would try and follow what the prophets have taught, that a mother's job is the raising of her kids.  It's not easy, and belts have to be tight, but so far, with prayer, good friends and luck, we've made it.
Now enter my fears.  I am terrified to have this baby.  The pain of labor is not what worries me, I've done it 3 times now, twice with no drugs.   Trying to make the ends last to the end of the month is top of my list.  That, and having a big enough car to carry my family in. Not to mention, enough mommy to go around.  I know that the older girls feel pushed to the back because of tornado, but lets face it, a 2 year old is more demanding of time than a 12 year old, but the 12 year old needs it just as bad.
Oh yeah, add to the fear list, my MAJOR phobia of switching Dr's.  I was bad in St. George with tornado, not so much afraid of the Dr. (I LOVED Dr. Lunt by the way), I was terrified of the hospital.  The big girls were both born in the hospital where i grew up, nice little small place, 2 labor and delivery rooms, nothing big.  The fact that the hospital in St. George had an entire building for L&D, yeah, scared me.  In fact, Eric would use that fear to make sure i ate everyday (I am an anorexic hiding as a fat woman, that's the joke between us).  It worked, i never wanted to have to go there.  I was hoping that i would go into labor with her when we went home to visit family.  That didn't work. It wasn't too bad, and they only made me stay 12 hours.  But i don't even know this new Dr. i am going to see next Monday.  I only have the opinions of women i don't really know to go off.  And I've never set foot in this hospital.  It looks pretty small, big points in it's favor, but my strange fear is still growing.  I don't want to go there.  I would rather have this baby at home.  I really would.  It is totally irrational, I understand that, but understanding doesn't make it go away.  And the father along I get, the worse the fear is.
 I am planning camping trips the week she's due just to see if i can have her some where that isn't the hospital.  I know that the risks are high, what if something goes wrong?  But those thoughts aren't as loud as the ones trying to keep me out of a hospital. 
I've pretty much decided that I'm just crazy.  I can only hope and pray that everything will work out, 'cause right now, my mind is spinning outta control.

Something new

I was surfing around the Internet today, and came across a website called The Shape of a Mother. After spending the better part of 2 hours reading what these women have written, and crying my eyes out (i blamed the hormones), I decided to try and document the last few months of this pregnancy also.
So many women are plus sized these days, but we are still ashamed of who we are and how we look. I look at my beautiful girls, ages 12, 11, and 2 and wonder what image of themselves they will learn to see. Already my 12 year old has body image issues, and I know that most of them stem from me. I am a big woman. There is no hiding it, no denying it, no blaming it on "big bones". And yet, with this plus sized body, I have carried 3 babies to term, given birth to healthy, beautiful girls, and in a few months, will give birth again.
My body, whether i love it or not, has served me well. And yet I am under the impression, mistaken or not, that I am less of a woman because of my size. I am constantly pressured to lose weight, dye my hair, wear more makeup or whatever to fit in the mold that will never fit me. And having a baby? Yeah makes it even worse. I love the fact that my body can do something that brings me so much joy. Something that a man's body will never be asked to do. I can bring forth LIFE! I can nourish that life with this same body once it's here. And in return for that ability, my body has stretch marks, saggy fat, and more imperfections than i care to count.
But the world still looks down. Medical professional use terms like "grossly obese" to describe me. Grossly? really? No wonder I would rather give birth at home, surrounded by people that love me, not judge me.
With this baby I am carrying, I have lost over 20 lbs. and in a sick twisted way, I am terrified to gain any weight. I know that gaining weight is part of being pregnant, but, when you start fat, you worry that you'll end even fatter. I walk everyday, my blood pressure is fine, no other health problems, and yet, I feel judged when I stand on a scale. My doctor back home was wonderful, and so was his staff, but having just moved, i have to find a new Doctor, and that worries me.
So in my rambling way, I am going to try to post my feelings, thoughts, and adventures in finding a new Doctor in this blog. I am so excited to meet this new little person I am carrying around with me, and i am trying to embrace the changes that it will bring into my life.