Thursday, September 11, 2014

today

Mary kisses my belly everyday when she leaves for school, and just about anytime she is near me.  She kisses her little sister that she won't get to later.  It breaks my heart, and makes me so happy at the same time.  She loves this baby, unconditionally, knowing that she won't get to stay and yet praying every night that the Lord with make Hope's brain better so she can live with us.
Last night, a woman from the Intermountain Organ Donation came to talk with us.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Ranks up there with talking to the mourtuary.  How do you make the decision to let a team of doctors cut your baby open and take their organs?  It's grusome and morbid. But.  What if it saves another mother from having to talk to the moutuary?  Having to deciede weither to bury her baby, or have her cremated?  No mother should ever have to live through the lose of a baby.  It kills a piece of you, one that nothing can bring back.
I love Hope, with all my heart, and I wonder somedays if this is God's way of showing me I can have emotions.  I've hidden them, or not felt them for so long, part of my own mental illness probably.  I feel now.  I feel such extremes that I think i will tear in to a million little fragments.
 I am constantly in awe of the people who are willing to walk this path with me.  Who don't care that I'm a mess and prone to tears at the stangest things.  Who will let me laugh when i need to, talk when I have to, and cry when i must.  Those people who have given money to help us, who have no idea that some days, that's what has put gas in the car or bought food for the girls. The financial strain is killing us, along with all the emotional and physical crap added on.
 The end seems so far away, but is coming too fast for me.  Her birthday is the day she will die.  The end only brings more pain.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing sweetie! I know this is the worst thing you've ever had to deal with--and given all you've dealt with, that's saying something! But remember you are loved. And there are many, like me, who keep you at the top of their prayer list. I wish I knew the reason why things like this happened, but I only know we are never alone. So, all my love to you dear. Hold on. Keep breathing.

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